Reader beware cynical post below.

It's been kind of a rough last couple of days. I'm going to type out my journal entry from yesterday.

July 15th, 2008 Day 30

I don't know if it was the gloomy weather or just one of those days, but today has been kind of a slap in the face with reality. Once we arrived to the toddler's compound I saw a new boy who was just screaming his lungs out and repeating the same phrase over and over and over again while walking around in circles. He didn't notice us or the other aunties who were watching him. I later learned that he was calling out in desperation for his mother. I have no idea what his story was before he got to the orphanage but he appears to be very clean and healthy. He arrived at the orphanage just last night. I don't know if his parents died, abandoned him or if he was simply lost and found on the side of the road. Either way it breaks my heart to see him calling out in absolute desperation for his mother. I want so much to scoop up this child, take him on the plane and give him a fighting chance in this ugly world. Today was also a hard day with the rest of the kids. I am constantly wondering if I am making a difference in their lives. I know I make a difference in their day but I don't think that because of my short 8 week stint here that these children's lives will be molded to turn out in some other way than it would have if I didn't come at all. What does the future hold for these kids? What mean tricks will the world and life throw in the face of these children despite the severe injustices they have already been delt. There are so many of them and my time here is so short. It is not fair that I am gaining so much more than I am giving. I try every day to give everything of myself but somehow I don't feel drained. On the contrary I feel so filled with love from these children and there seem to be no way to give it all away. Is there any way to give and not receive anything in return? I hate the temporariness of all of this. I am only here for a short time. The optimistic part of me wants to think that I will leave a lasting impression on these kids but then the critical, and sometimes cynical part of me, thinks about all of the other volunteers who have come before me and all of the ones who will come after me. With this constantly revolving door, how can one person really leave their impression. I will forever remember the names and faces of these children. I will always remember and be effected by the lessons they have taught me thus far about life, love, resilience and so much more. Life sucks for these kids but somehow they muster up enough courange and audacity to face the day and say " Screw you situation I'm going to get up, laugh, cry, scream and have fun no matter what you throw at me. I'm going to keep on living no matter what."

Despite the blood, sweat, tears and constant flow of snot, they are strong. Sowah cannot hear or communicate his most basic needs but that doesn't stop him from sitting on your lap, looking up at you and giving you the most genuine, heart warming smile tiy gave ever seeb,

Conclusion to all my thoughts, doubts and questions is this....there is no conclusion. I have no answer. But hopefully obecause of the obrunis willing to travel to Ghana and love and play with these kids hopefully their lives will be better off than those children in this world who are unfortunate enough to not recieve any love in their lives. Hopefully I give enough hugs and kisses and console enough sad hearts to have done my part in the larger scheme. What I have to cling to now is hope. Hope that they never give up. Hope that they can keep strong. Hope that they can finally catch a break in this world. Hope and I guess pray.

The uncertainty and temporariness is killing me.

I'm still having an amazing time don't get me wrong. It's just some days it's hard to not take a few steps back and be critical.